


ONE PART ANAL ONE PART DINNER

by parodySphoria



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: 2013 fanfic, As Seen On Bad MCR Fics Twitter, Baked Beans, Gerard Is Not Sexually Attracted To Baked Beans, I love you Lauzz, M/M, MCR, apparently known now as "the baked beans fic"?, badmcrfics, i deleted my fanfiction.net account, i wish more people knew it was here now, im sorry abbey, inspired by One Part Angel One Part Danger, repost, the baked beans fic, this is satire please dont judge me, this was a birthday present for my friend, this was a joke several years ago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 11:48:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6802546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parodySphoria/pseuds/parodySphoria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of course, Gerard isn't sexually attracted to baked beans, but usually when Frank agrees to cook him baked beans, it means he wants to fuck afterwards. He guesses it's some form of operant conditioning coming into play. And he guesses that because he studied psychology this one time and therefore knows <i>everything</i> about the human brain. The equation is simple enough, though, so Gerard figures he's right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ONE PART ANAL ONE PART DINNER

PLOT TWIST. THE FIRST PART IS ABOUT DINNER.

**PART ONE - DINNER.**

Gerard gazed longingly towards the stove, where his lover, Frank, was cooking baked beans. Gerard thinks he's in love, for the first time in his life. His emotions take over his entire body as Frank turns around, the pan of beautiful, piping hot beans, ready for Gerard to consume, to love, to cherish all the way to the bathroom later on. Gerard doesn't care that Frank also cooked pizza, Gerard demanded baked beans and his lover never denies him.

Gerard starts on the pizza, the soft cheese not even partially equalling how he felt the baked beans would taste in his mouth, warm and squishy like warm mashed potato, with a subtle taste of tomato surrounding their thin skins. Gerard controls himself, eating the pizza silently, ignoring Frank's longing gaze as he stares at the baked beans like a sexual predator.

Of course, Gerard isn't sexually attracted to baked beans, but usually when Frank agrees to cook him baked beans, it means he wants to fuck afterwards. He guesses it's some form of operant conditioning coming into play. And he guesses that because he studied psychology this one time and therefore knows _everything_ about the human brain. The equation is simple enough, though, so Gerard figures he's right.

Frank cooks baked beans -> Frank fucks Gerard -> Gerard gets sexual gratification.

With it happening often enough, you just remove the middle panel, and baked beans give Gerard sexual gratification. Which they kind of do, now, but only because of Frank. Gerard repeats this to himself as he crosses his legs, almost crying with pain as he suffocates his erection in the tight folds of his skinny jeans. Frank smiles warily.

Gerard likes pizza. He wishes Frank just always cooked him pizza before sex. Baked beans aren't very sexy. They're messy and blood-coloured and they _pop_ which is definitely not sexy. Gerard voices this opinion to Frank.

"I don't cook you baked beans before we have sex?" Frank says, confused.

"Yes you do! We had baked beans yesterday, then sex, same with the night before, and before that..." Gerard waves a hand around in the air because he is a strong independant black woman.

"Gerard, honey, that's because we have alot of baked beans in the cupboard and we have sex every night." Frank points out with a mouthful of pizza. That was less sexy than baked beans, Gerard thinks.

"Can we just not have baked beans for a while?" Gerard asks again, whimpering as his zipper gets caught on his erection because apparently he doesn't wear underwear anymore and his jeans don't fit right.

"Just used the last can, babe, but if you get withdrawal symptoms from this crazy fucking fetish of yours I am not buying any more. I refuse to be second to beans."

They eat in silence, and then because there was really nothing else to do downstairs like lock the door to turn the light out or make sure all the appliances were off and secure and Frank hadn't forgotten to let the dog out (again) - they head upstairs because they're rowdy.

 

**PART TWO - ANAL.**

Gerard has his clothes off in no time, because despite the fact all his clothes on before had buttons, Frank pulled his apparent t-shirt off over his head and threw it somewhere that might have been out of the window. Gerard latches his lips to Franks, which sounds extremely painful and may require an alen key, but totally isn't and doesn't, and they both kiss passionately _and[_ heatedly as they move towards the bed. Gerard's knees hit the end of the bed, but somehow he falls and lands his head on the pillows at the top of the bed. He shrugs, pulling Frank down ontop of him and wincing when Frank's belt buckle collides with Gerard's penis.

He cries for ten minutes and Frank gets him an ice pack, but then he's ready to go, sporting the north pole between his legs and licking his lips creepily at his lover, who rolls his eyes.

Frank tears his jeans off because he's like that. He crawls atop his much taller boyfriend, asking him politely if he could please spread his legs and allow Frank entry to the best party in town.

_Party Poison._

Gerard asks who the fuck Party Poison is, because it's 2005.

Frank says "some douchebag" and kisses Gerard again. He doesn't prep him because ew, but simply enters him with no trouble and Gerard instantly feels so much better with a dick up his ass he could almost cry with joy.

Instead he cries with shock as Frank instantly finds his prostate. Gerard should really check if it's swollen or something from all the viscious pounding it's been getting these days. He voices this to Frank, because they don't keep anything from eachother. Frank says it feels fine to him and thrusts in again. Gerard's pleased with that answer and is pretty sure Frank hasn't forced prostate cancer on him or something, so decides he should probably help out with the climaxing and starts pushing up to meet Frank's thrusts.

It takes them five hours to finish, because they are very well practised at this kind of activity. They do this more than they brush their teeth and defnintely more often than Gerard showers. Frank leans down to smell his boyfriend. He once expected the smell to be of coffee and cigarettes, but Gerard just smells like sweat and shame. Other peoples' shame.

Gerard gives Frank a funny look and then smells him mockingly, recoiling in horror when Frank smells like banana, not his strawberry-and-skittles scented shower gel. Gerard questions this.

"Shower gel washes off." Frank says, confused. Gerard says 'oh yeah' and they returned to their task just as both of them reached their breaking point at exactly the same time.

They collapse back on the bed, Frank's chest making a disgusting noise as it collides with Gerard, because of all the sweat and sperm and stuff.

"We should shower." Frank says, because only idiots would go to bed in their own filth, "And while you shower first I'm changing these sheets because we've had these on the bed for like a week and _ew._ "

Gerard agrees fully, and says they should invest in that plastic covering people put over furniture before moving it. Frank nods furiously, trying to find clean underwear amongst the mess of their bedroom.

After they shower, they put on matching pyjama shirts and trousers that Gerard's mother had bought them as a joke. Gerard falls straight to sleep. Frank stays up, reading his Stephen King book in the light of the bedside table lamp, his reading glasses glinting in the light and his longthening hair tucked back behind his ears as best he can move it.

AND THEY HAD NEVER BEEN HAPPER.

F I N .

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on fanfiction.net, and inspired by One Part Angel, One Part Danger - a genuinely perfect (still regretfully unfinished) fic created by my bff Lauzz who is now a fully fledged adult with a child and everything, and who let me be a part of the experience.
> 
> I promised her I would repost it, so here it is.
> 
> All of you waiting on In Reality, the update's half done (spurred on by Dante Basco of course)
> 
> xoT


End file.
